It has been 24 days since the unexpected call of my life. I guess it was the most painful of all the things that happened to me. Everyday seemed terrible and even getting worst. I never thought those things will ever happen in my life (again!). Sometimes, I question myself where had I gone wrong? I trusted so much that I never thought it’s going to be this hard when that trust is broken.

Everyday I pray for God to give me more strength and provide me with peace of mind. I never wanted to grow in bitterness and hatred. I wanted to forgive but it’s not always that easy. I shouldn’t deny myself of the anger which is just natural in healing process. It was just so hard being left alone in the battle. Sometimes, it makes me think that God has abandoned me. Sometimes I wish I never have to go through these things but these were given to me.

We always point to God the things that are happening in our lives. Sometimes we say, it’s all but God’s will when in fact, it’s not! God doesn’t want us to suffer because He already did suffer for us. He wanted us to be happy and to live our lives with Him. We suffer because of our own doings. We suffer because of the mistakes we committed that despite of our knowledge of what’s right and wrong, we still chose to do the things that are not pleasing to Him. Nonetheless, even if we committed mistakes and even if we failed a hundred fold times, God still promised comfort and help. He never punished us, instead, He is always open to accept us if we seek for Him. What a wonderful God we have!

All these times, I’ve been praying for a loving heart. I pray that I may not dwell with the hurts of the past, instead, see them as encouragement and inspirations to do better. I know after all these; I will emerge as a better person. I know this battle inside me will not take off the best in me.

The Serenity Prayer

Brokeness is the first condition for receiving grace. Light can’t penetrate an unbroken surface. God enters through the broken heart....

The Will to Love

By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept – a literary piece of Coehlo that spoke about love, perseverance, and the WILL to pursue and follow your dream. Inspired by a blogger friend, Joan bunch, when I read from her post some of its lines; I was encouraged to buy a copy. When I started reading it, I was fascinated for it speaks of the same love story as mine. With eyes half-opened, I tried to read and avoid some lines but I went through still, reading while hoping to find some answers for my aching heart.

True love is a selfless act of total surrender; something that is hard to do but can be done. Something that can be done but we don’t really feel like doing for we view love differently.

Afraid of what might the thoughts of the book will lead me – a realization I always long for, at the same time, I fear. I don’t exactly know why God gave me Bien, perhaps to understand and actualize selfless love. But is there actually a selfless love? I once read that selfishness is sometimes the key to selflessness, although, until this point, I never get to contemplate over its meaning.

I am a no saint and I want to fight for what I believe is right but the other part of me says that not all our heart’s desires are right. It is ironic when believers like me would say ‘keep on praying and you will receive’, when God wants us to think the other way – ‘let HIS WILL be done, not ours’. We learn the power of prayers when we pray for the things we desire and we get the opposite but we gladly find peace and acceptance.

God’s will and ultimate commandment is to LOVE. It is never His will for us to be happy at the expense of others. He wants us to love Him and others with the best and honest intentions. He never wills us to hurt other people because we are given the gift of choice. In everything we do, we are given the freedom to choose and that’s where the gift of wisdom comes in.

“We know what we want to do but are AFRAID of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that LOVE is something that will prevent us from going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely love us want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey”

“If we acknowledge God created us for HAPPINESS, then we have to assume that everything that leads to sadness and defeat is our own doing.”

I also believe that love is NOT an obstacle in achieving our dreams, rather a force urging the lovers to get the better of their dreams and thus find GOD.

As said in the book, there are no rules when it comes to love in the same way that there are no rules when it comes to worshipping God: “to love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God.”

Then why fear in pursuing love, when we as children of God are taught to love in the first place?

“When we first begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to FALL seven times and to GET UP eight times.”

Failures should be considered as driving forces and challenges that will make us better persons. Failures aren’t bad, what’s more important is how we stand up and rise above the pains and trials.

Surely, Pilar’s lament at the river piedra will guide me on my search of true love and happiness. Thank you dear Joan for helping me find a book that seemingly captures my every thoughts and emotions.

God Bless the BROKEN Road

I never appreciated this song that much when my baby Lhoraine gave me this sometime ago... not until I've experienced it... Thanks so much Lhoraine!

UNCALLED FOR

It was the night of Palm Sunday; I just came from a church service when I received an unexpected call from an unexpected person. I was too hurt with everything I learned from the caller. I didn’t know how to handle the pain inside me and I thought where I had gone wrong.

Earlier that day, while I was in the mass, I was crying at the priest’s homily. I was bucketing out all my emotions to God praying and asking for him to show the answers to all my WHY’s; the causes of my worries and anxieties. Truly that night, everything was revealed to me. It was so uncalled for. I wasn’t ready but it was given to me. Ironically, that was something I should be grateful about.

It was a call that will bring massive changes in my life. I faced the Holy Week filled with mourning. Literally, I felt God’s passion on the cross. I felt like as if it was me being persecuted and killed. Days passed and the pain still lingers. I was praying so hard for Him to give me the enough strength and to guide me with all my thoughts, plans, and decisions. It was a call that indeed measured my faith and values in life. I know what is right and wrong but it was so hard to accept what is right. The truth hurts but it also sets you free. Until this day, I am praying for the much needed strength that only He can provide. Likewise, I am very thankful to all my friends who give me unwavering support and advice.

There are so many calls in life that we often ignored and rejected; calls that need most of our attention and actions. We never wanted to hear or answer them, the so called ‘wake-up’ calls, because of FEARS and RESENTMENTS. But there are calls that we couldn’t avoid no matter how much we try to hid ourselves. There are calls that will somehow strike our very heart that even if they hurt so much; we are left with no choice but to accept them.

MOMENTS

I was at the Samba-likhaan Foundation (Asian Institute for Liturgy and Music) yesterday for a meeting. We are working on a project for MAPEH (Music, Art, P.E & Health); more specifically on Music textbooks with accompanying CDs. It’s going to be first in the Philippines. Since, most Music textbooks used in the public schools don’t have CDs, and even in private schools as well. Even when I was studying way back (?) years ago, we didn’t have CDs in our music subject. Maybe that's the reason why, I never appreciated the subject that much as compared to art and physical education (PE). I was wondering then, how the songs are being sung or how they sound like! Anyway, it’s good that the government is really gearing towards improving the quality of education in the country!

That’s a very long introduction to my article (lol).

Main Point

While I was inside one of the music rooms, a very interesting poster caught my attention. It says: Choir’s Rule: #1 The director is always right; #2 If the director is wrong, refer to rule #1!

Isn’t it really interesting? It is RIGHT, I thought to myself! I began to relate what I've read to my spiritual life! I began to rephrase them, replacing the word director into God! That makes it Christians Rule instead of Choir’s.

In our lives, we have to trust that God always want the best for us. Whatever stakes, pains, conflicts, and failures we have, still God has a purpose why He allows us to experience them!

As I said from my previous articles, lately had been too rough and difficult for me. I faced too many personal issues especially in my relationship with friends, fellows, and even to myself. Only to realize that those are nothing compared to my relationship issues with God. My 'being hard' with myself and others greatly affected my spiritual life and relationship with God.

I always tell myself that I miss my old self! Why it has to be so difficult and stressful each day? Or am I just taking things too seriously? I believe I should, but it’s hard! I have so many worries inside my head. Worries are over flooding my head and I wanted to tell everything to God, but I just don’t know where to start.

I wanted to complain because I find it hard to follow his beats and I feel that I just couldn't catch up with the tune anymore! But as written in the poster... He is always right no matter how hard life may seems; no matter how hard to follow and live with His rules, still, He is always right, and we are called to obey and follow Him. In whatever circumstances, we are expected to follow and pursue what is right! (now, that makes being right very very hard!)

When I saw that poster in AILM, I realized how my faith weakens everytime I am troubled . I forgot the things, I used to strongly believe, "that God never abandons or forsakes those who trust Him". God helps those who help themselves… a big faith says: Do everything to your best ability and leave the rest to Him. I forgot how I used to leave my worries with him and manage to stay happy even when pressed with problems.

It is now Lenten season and I guess it’s the best time to pause and be still; to have a quiet moment with Him; to devote more time with reflections and prayers. Those are the things I really missed about myself! My availabilty and my TIME with Him!

Definitely, I will take THIS best time to rekindle and renew my ‘somehow’ withered faith with him! It’s never too late to change. It gives me hope everytime I remember that God always offer us the chance to reunite ourselves with Him. I need not go far because He is just a prayer away!

Have a blessed Holy Week to everyone! I’m going to miss you all!

He is my life's director and conductor, I shall never be lost!