I woke up this morning feeling quite better. I thanked God for another day of my life and promised myself to have in mind all but beautiful things around me. How could I forget all the wonderful things in my life; my family, my friends, the people around me, my work, my everyday experiences? I told myself that I should welcome new opportunities instead. It surprised me when I saw my recollection notebook where I found a piece of paper we used during that day. We placed a piece of paper at our back and people will start writing their impressions about you. Plus, I saw other set of letters I received that day expressing their sentiments about you. It made me feel good to read their feelings about me. How could I forget those wonderful words I received from them? It was very comforting and encouraging to know that people appreciate you for what you are.
It’s true that we cannot satisfy everybody and some may make you feel cold and senseless but what’s important is the sincerity of our dealings with others. We cannot expect others to treat us the same as we treat them but life is all about doing good with other people no matter how they have hurt you. I know God has placed me in a situation where I could reflect more about myself; how was I during the last 29 years of my life? It’s very heartening that no matter how I feel alone, there is someone UP there who listens and cares so much. I know God wants me to be more trusting and I feel sorry for losing confidence especially when I am hard-pressed with my emotions. I know everyday He is giving me the reason to appreciate LIFE and day after day, He’s giving me the chance to make things better. Everyday offers a new hope and it is up to us how we live our day.
The most tiring thing to do? –to think. The most expensive? –smile. The hardest to regain? –trust. The most painful? –loss The easiest escape? –to pretend. The most challenging? –to move on. The bravest thing to do? –to love. The most effective solution? –to pray.
I just got back from Vigan outing last April 30-May2. It was a long-awaited get-away and was supposed to the happiest outing of my life, but it turned the other way around. I left for Vigan with a heavy heart. I didn’t know how I was able to last the trip. The SERENITY prayer helped me endured the entire outing. As how the prayer goes… “GOD, GRANT ME THE SERENTIY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.” I kept on repeating those lines in my head to gather some strength from it.
I remembered how I planned the outing well and was too excited about it. It was planned long ahead and I just couldn’t mess it up by backing out so I tried so hard to pull my knees to get there. I felt too much pain and even made me cry watching my friends having fun with their own stuffs. I couldn’t imagine how I would keep up until the very last day.
I tried to isolate myself from the group since they have their own agenda and company. I spent most of my time visiting the old/ antique churches of the town. I was just glad Lhoraine and Bullet kept me company though I knew they were aware about my state of being. My emotions were too contagious, that’s why I also gave them the time to be together alone, so I wouldn’t spoil their being together.
I only had a few shots with a forced smile on my face. I thought to myself, I wish I just could leave everything there and true enough, I left a part of my heart in Vigan with a promise that someday I’ll be back to appreciate the place and the experience.
When it’s time to pack-up, I exhaled heavily telling myself that I have survived the outing… I have survived the pain. It was hard to be there and pretend to be happy when in fact I was suffering inside. I was deafened with the sound of my own emotions. Nevertheless, it taught me to be more patient and more trusting to God; that whatever situation I am into, He will always be there to provide me strength and courage.
Next week, I will be in Bohol for a 3-day seminar (May 13-15). Sometimes, it helps to be away and be busy with something else. Somehow, it diverts my mind and turns sorrows into labor of love. I am praying and hoping that one day, I could write betters and happier thoughts here. Soon, I could get back on my feet, hopefully with the same old smile on my face, but with a bigger heart and a stronger soul.
"How I wish that I might have what I asked for and that God would give me what I hoped for. How I wish God would crush me and reach out his hands to destroy me. Then I would have this comfort and be glad even in this unending pain, because I would know I did not reject the words of the Holy One." - Job 6:8-10
Monday, April 27, 2009
It has been 24 days since the unexpected call of my life. I guess it was the most painful of all the things that happened to me. Everyday seemed terrible and even getting worst. I never thought those things will ever happen in my life (again!). Sometimes, I question myself where had I gone wrong? I trusted so much that I never thought it’s going to be this hard when that trust is broken.
Everyday I pray for God to give me more strength and provide me with peace of mind. I never wanted to grow in bitterness and hatred. I wanted to forgive but it’s not always that easy. I shouldn’t deny myself of the anger which is just natural in healing process. It was just so hard being left alone in the battle. Sometimes, it makes me think that God has abandoned me. Sometimes I wish I never have to go through these things but these were given to me.
We always point to God the things that are happening in our lives. Sometimes we say, it’s all but God’s will when in fact, it’s not! God doesn’t want us to suffer because He already did suffer for us. He wanted us to be happy and to live our lives with Him. We suffer because of our own doings. We suffer because of the mistakes we committed that despite of our knowledge of what’s right and wrong, we still chose to do the things that are not pleasing to Him. Nonetheless, even if we committed mistakes and even if we failed a hundred fold times, God still promised comfort and help. He never punished us, instead, He is always open to accept us if we seek for Him. What a wonderful God we have!
All these times, I’ve been praying for a loving heart. I pray that I may not dwell with the hurts of the past, instead, see them as encouragement and inspirations to do better. I know after all these; I will emerge as a better person. I know this battle inside me will not take off the best in me.
By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept – a literary piece of Coehlo that spoke about love, perseverance, and the WILL to pursue and follow your dream. Inspired by a blogger friend, Joan bunch, when I read from her post some of its lines; I was encouraged to buy a copy. When I started reading it, I was fascinated for it speaks of the same love story as mine. With eyes half-opened, I tried to read and avoid some lines but I went through still, reading while hoping to find some answers for my aching heart.
True love is a selfless act of total surrender; something that is hard to do but can be done. Something that can be done but we don’t really feel like doing for we view love differently.
Afraid of what might the thoughts of the book will lead me – a realization I always long for, at the same time, I fear. I don’t exactly know why God gave me Bien, perhaps to understand and actualize selfless love. But is there actually a selfless love? I once read that selfishness is sometimes the key to selflessness, although, until this point, I never get to contemplate over its meaning.
I am a no saint and I want to fight for what I believe is right but the other part of me says that not all our heart’s desires are right. It is ironic when believers like me would say ‘keep on praying and you will receive’, when God wants us to think the other way – ‘let HIS WILL be done, not ours’. We learn the power of prayers when we pray for the things we desire and we get the opposite but we gladly find peace and acceptance.
God’s will and ultimate commandment is to LOVE. It is never His will for us to be happy at the expense of others. He wants us to love Him and others with the best and honest intentions. He never wills us to hurt other people because we are given the gift of choice. In everything we do, we are given the freedom to choose and that’s where the gift of wisdom comes in.
“We know what we want to do but are AFRAID of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that LOVE is something that will prevent us from going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely love us want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey”
“If we acknowledge God created us for HAPPINESS, then we have to assume that everything that leads to sadness and defeat is our own doing.”
I also believe that love is NOT an obstacle in achieving our dreams, rather a force urging the lovers to get the better of their dreams and thus find GOD.
As said in the book, there are no rules when it comes to love in the same way that there are no rules when it comes to worshipping God: “to love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God.”
Then why fear in pursuing love, when we as children of God are taught to love in the first place?
“When we first begin fighting for our dream, we have no experience and make many mistakes. The secret of life, though, is to FALL seven times and to GET UP eight times.”
Failures should be considered as driving forces and challenges that will make us better persons. Failures aren’t bad, what’s more important is how we stand up and rise above the pains and trials.
Surely, Pilar’s lament at the river piedra will guide me on my search of true love and happiness. Thank you dear Joan for helping me find a book that seemingly captures my every thoughts and emotions.
It was the night of Palm Sunday; I just came from a church service when I received an unexpected call from an unexpected person. I was too hurt with everything I learned from the caller. I didn’t know how to handle the pain inside me and I thought where I had gone wrong.
Earlier that day, while I was in the mass, I was crying at the priest’s homily. I was bucketing out all my emotions to God praying and asking for him to show the answers to all my WHY’s; the causes of my worries and anxieties. Truly that night, everything was revealed to me. It was so uncalled for. I wasn’t ready but it was given to me. Ironically, that was something I should be grateful about.
It was a call that will bring massive changes in my life. I faced the Holy Week filled with mourning. Literally, I felt God’s passion on the cross. I felt like as if it was me being persecuted and killed. Days passed and the pain still lingers. I was praying so hard for Him to give me the enough strength and to guide me with all my thoughts, plans, and decisions. It was a call that indeed measured my faith and values in life. I know what is right and wrong but it was so hard to accept what is right. The truth hurts but it also sets you free. Until this day, I am praying for the much needed strength that only He can provide. Likewise, I am very thankful to all my friends who give me unwavering support and advice.
There are so many calls in life that we often ignored and rejected; calls that need most of our attention and actions. We never wanted to hear or answer them, the so called ‘wake-up’ calls, because of FEARS and RESENTMENTS. But there are calls that we couldn’t avoid no matter how much we try to hid ourselves. There are calls that will somehow strike our very heart that even if they hurt so much; we are left with no choice but to accept them.
I woke up this morning feeling quite better. I thanked God for another day of my life and promised myself to have in mind all but beautiful things around me. How could I forget all the wonderful things in my life; my family, my friends, the people around me, my work, my everyday experiences? I told myself that I should welcome new opportunities instead. It surprised me when I saw my recollection notebook where I found a piece of paper we used during that day. We placed a piece of paper at our back and people will start writing their impressions about you. Plus, I saw other set of letters I received that day expressing their sentiments about you. It made me feel good to read their feelings about me. How could I forget those wonderful words I received from them? It was very comforting and encouraging to know that people appreciate you for what you are.
