Seven Principles in Conflict Resolution

In a relationship, one can't avoid any sort of conflicts. During the first months everything seems to be perfect and smooth sailing. Everything appears to be bearable and tolerable, but that was just during the first months. When a relationship starts to grow (or to count years) and has reached a certain point when you become comfortable with each other, you start to demand some adjustments.

Conflicts can lead to arguments and is inevitable in every relationship,may it be in family, peers, or romantic affairs. Even the most ideal of all relationships suffers from challenges and trials, what's important is how we handle and resolve each and every conflicts. Every disagreements should be dealt with accordingly.

Seven Principles of Conflict Resolution

1. Urgency

"Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry and do not give the devil a foothold." (Ephesians 4:26,27)

When Bien and I first started, I mentioned to him this verse. It has been our rule not to call a day without resolving our conflicts. We agreed that, should there be any conflicts incurred during the day, it is our rule not to call a day without resolving them.

The problem is sometimes when a problem crop up, couples tend to ignore the situation not knowing that it only ignites more when not attended to or solved immediately. Yes, it's true that silence can cool the flame down... only temporarily.

Issues should be confronted and resolved at once and as quickly as possible. Letting the day pass and be hostile with your partner will produce multiple hostilities for the following days. Like in any kind of diseases, the longer a problem is left unattended and ignored, the faster it grows, and the faster it spreads, and the faster it destroys a 'once healthy' relationship. In addressing a problem, it is important to rule out the "root of bitterness". Ignoring the problem will create a confusion on the part of your partner. Your partner might think that if you really cared enough, then you could have done something and exerted all means and effort to resolve the conflict.

2. Bifocals

Like in any coins, they represent two sides...and each side is unique! According to an author of a book on conflict management, "In every argument, there are three sides... your side, my side, and the right side!"

It is important that each should listen to the expression of those inner feelings, respects the right of the other to express without interruption even when it is perceived that such expression may be inaccurate... wait, you can have your turn, anyway.

Lovers must aim for a meaningful dialogue; an open communication is crucial for conflict resolution. Each must be willing to talk and each must be ready to listen... there is a difference between 'willing' and 'ready'... By doing so, a productive interaction will be achieved.

One way of understanding your partner is to try to walk in his/ her shoes, trying to see and feel the issues from your partner's perspective.

3. Altruism

Human beings by nature are selfish. We are addicted to putting ourselves first. Having listened to each other, and having understood the needs and desires of one another, the challenge is to put one's partner's desires above one's own, and to please one's spouse above one's self... that is Altruism. Easier said than done, huh...

4. Action Plan

All ideas should be listened and examined, and a decision made on the options that best meet the need of both parties. An action plan must be specific and should not be static... it should be dynamic. Periodically, partners need to sit together and do an honest evaluation: Is the plan succeeding? If not, why not? What changes need to be made? How should such adjustments be implemented? Remember, action plan must be dynamic. It is not enough to set an action plan without implementing it and this needs the willingness and participation of both parties.

5. Golden Words

One vital aspect of conflict resolution is the experience of forgiveness. It involves the request for pardon, the granting of pardon, and the acceptance of forgiveness. We should accept that in an argument, both persons are right and wrong.

The easy question usually readily answered is "Where was my partner wrong?" and the hard question, but the really important question that needs an answer is "Where was I wrong". It is easy to examine my partner, it is difficult to examine myself. It is easy to point my finger on my partner's fault, ignoring my share of faults.

"Examine yourselves... test yourselves" (2 Corinthians 13:5)

Confess our wrong to each other... "Confess your faults to one another...that you may be healed." (James 5:16)

For all types of healing - physical, spiritual, emotional or mental - confession is a requirement! If we fail to forgive, we will not be forgiven (Matther 16:15) and remember even when forgiveness is not requested, in the heart of the one offended, pardon shall be given. When forgiveness is granted, that pardon should be graciously accepted.

6. Optimism

Partners must stay optimistic on their actions, reactions, and interactions. Believe that success is possible and expect it.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith in small as a mustard seed... there is nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20)

Candidates for success never stop trying. "Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again." (Proverbs 24:16)

True love is persevering, optimistic, and never gives up. It "always trusts", it "always hopes" (1 Corinthians 13:7)

7. The Prince

The final secret of for resolving conflicts is the presence of a 'third person' - 'Divine Third-Person'... He is Jesus.

The Savior is able to bring healing for He is 'able to save to the uttermost' (Hebrews 7:25). One of Jesus' special title is "Prince of Peace". The Prince responded only when partners called. After we have confessed our faults to one another, we should 'pray for each other' (James 5:16) that our healing may be complete.

"For He himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility."