Deep Longings

"I glorified You on earth by completing down to the last detail what you assigned me to do." (John 17:4)

Yesterday's gospel left an impression in my mind about God's calling. We are being called to live a life according to our vocation. I have been pondering about my vocation. During the homily, the priest said that there are 3 vocations that we are being called to... 1. vocation of marriage; 2. single-blessedness; and 3. priesthood/ nun.

When I was still a PT intern student, I was assigned in a convent (Convent of the Holy Spirit) where I attended to the rehabilitation of old/ aged nuns. It was a wonderful experience... I saw those old holy women aged away from their families and yet I could see the solemnity, the sense of fulfillment, and the peace within them. Those are holy women who went to the mission... who have served the mission... until such time their bodies retire.

They shared to me their experiences in the mission. I really admired their passion in serving God. Their stories inspired me so much that it made me think of entering the convent. I couldn't forget one day, while tripping down the stairs (after attending to my patient who got her legs amputated because of PVD or peripheral vascular disease), convincing myself giving that idea a chance...but it didn't come about.

Until now, a good friend of mine and spiritual mentor, Sr. Julia Yap still encourages me to enter the vocation of religous life (as Catholic nun). I admit, I thought about it several times. I asked God to lead and guide me if I am really meant to serve Him in that manner. The more I ask for it, the greater my longing is to get married and have a family of my own. I can't explain the feelings, but the 'calling' of getting married and having a family of my own overpowers my desire of entering a religous life. I know it is God's will whatever path I will take... It is GOD's will NOT mine, anyway.

" Each experience of the sisters is unique. Yet, all of us feel the same love, concern and care for those who are called to serve. This is the reason why we accepted wholeheartedly the mission becasue we were Implelled by the Love of Christ." (Sis. Julia Yap)

However, having reached this age, I couldn't help thinking also that maybe I am called to be 'single' & serve Him... 'single' and serve my family... but everytime I thought about it, still... there is something that overpowers that thought... I can't explain it, but that's how I really feel.

Sometimes, I am thinking maybe the reason why until now I am not yet married is because I am meant to be 'single' forever... that maybe, my failed relationships are signs that I am called to live a life of 'single-blessedness'. Again, I ask God to lead me if it's really my vocation... May His Will be done.

I remember my friend's (April) birthday wish for me... "I hope you'll get to know your vocation in life." I really hope so... I am fit and qualified to all of the 3 vocations God calls us to, and only HIM knows what's best for me. I believe He's preparing me in whatever vocation I am called to. I have no power to decide on my own... I completely surrender to Him all my desires and longings because I know that only God's will prevails.

Prayer

Lord, You know me.
You know my natural personality is given to fear.
You know all my insecurities.
You know that I have a need to be lovedand to feel significant and to feel affirmed.
And Father, I'm not going to ask my familyto do that for me today.
They may or may not, and if they do, that's Wonderful.
But Father, You are my sole satisfaction and I ask You to satisfy me this morning with Your UNFAILING LOVE.

"HE saved us and called us with holy calling, not by reason of our works, but by reason of HIS own purpose and undeserved kindness." (2 Timothy 1:9)

- jen (posted/ written July 9, 2007)